Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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