He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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