I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
