I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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