your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
