i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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