she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
