I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
grandma shit on top of the toilet
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
