Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if only i could text you this smell
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
