i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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