i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
