There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize