nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
