forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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