apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
