you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
