It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
