When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
