If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
