Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
