I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
