I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize