So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
