Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
