sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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