The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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