i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
