He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
