i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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