I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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