you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I am one with the molecules
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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