My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
