Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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