i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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