i jhust puked up my retainher.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
