Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My first STD was from a foam party
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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