i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
ugly people sure do ruin things
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
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That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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