happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
