hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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