I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
