So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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