seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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