I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im six kinds of drunk right now
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
