i think i have herpe
just one?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
