Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize