my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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