either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
