Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
