Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
