i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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