y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
