I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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