i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
