you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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