drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I want her autograph on my taint
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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