We're facebook friends in real life
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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