I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
