I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
